Yup; 11:30--as my blog says, "may be written at midnight"...and here we are. Tonight my husband and I watched a movie (Netflix! Delivered to your door, no sifting through the lousy offerings at Blockbuster--even the DVD covers are inappropriate these days)...let's see...the name of it...can't remember. Jennifer Lopez and Robert Redford and Josh Lucas and Morgan Freeman. Set in Wyoming; ahhhh, what country! Beautiful ranchland, tiny little mountain town with a couple of cafes and one or two sheriffs. Oh, yes; "An Unfinished Life" was the title. Anyway, it reminded me of the simple life; living off the land, living in Creation (aka; Wyoming) as opposed to in the city (though cities do have some benefits, such as libraries!). Money wasn't so important...but family (whoever that entailed--whether birth, blood, or friendship) did. In the end, at least.

I love our home (despite the layout and poor traffic flow...and small, closed-off kitchen...etc), because it is ours and our family is here...and we have a decent yard, really, for city dwelling. But some days, I long for country. I long for air and space and land and beauty and nature and snow and mountains...or at least nature and land. I am thankful for what God has provided, and I do believe we are currently, planted where we belong. But movies full of scenery such as this; oh, how I can dream!

We belong to a small Body of Believers in a desperate neighborhood; we see those rejected by the world, finding a place to belong there. But my life is comfortable. Predictable. And maybe for now, it should be...but I am not doing enough. I am busy living...but am I busy with the right things? Homekeeping, Homeschooling...yes, yes, all important. But time isn't blocked out for "giving"--baking for a neighbor, helping out someone, donating "stuff"--and then illness creeps in and steals a week or two (2 adults, 3 kids, one house...yeah, we share the germs!). My kids were sick all week, my husband is sick now, and I'm fighting hard with EmergenC and colloidal silver...and rest (except tonight!). So anyway...life happens, day by day...week by week...month by month...and then a year passes. Then another. And I always think "later..." or maybe "next week"...but...life keeps going by. Is it enough to train my little ones? Is it enough to be busy with their care?

Pondering these things on the Eve of a New Year...knowing that busyness will again overtake me as soon as I start my "mountain" of laundry tomorrow. And put on the turkey and noodles to cook. But for now...these things fill my heart and deserved reflection. Time is not lost lingering here.

Over for another year...

So, Christmas is over for another year. Well, not completely...we now begin the "Twelve Days of Christmas" leading up to Epiphany on Jan 6. I am still getting used to that timetable, as I struggle *not* to take down my tree on Dec 26! And this year, my Christmas letters are going out this week...as they didn't get done before Christmas!

One thing I do shortly after Christmas is to sit down and review our days in November and December; I write out traditions that work, changes to be made, new gift ideas (especially of the homemade sort). And then I look through my holiday recipes (of which I have many!) and remove those that I decide I will *never actually* make...I jot down those I really want to try next year, and note which ones might make good gifts for our neighbor, or for friends. And this year, I realized that we had too many "snacks" yet not enough "side items" at my in-laws...so I noted that, and next year, I'll remember what to take.

Every year, I realize all the plans I had...and how many of them didn't happen! Kind of depressing, except that, we Moms simply cannot carry through all that we wish we could--not always. Because "life" happens. And living, is paramount, even to holidays. Oh, the craft ideas I found, which we never made...the scriptures we didn't read, the storybooks we didn't finish, the baking that didn't get done...time to let it go. Time to embrace a New Year, and cozy in for Wintertime. Still plenty of time for wintery crafts, lessons, baking etc.

I must remember to work harder at maintaining a good attitude next year--at my in-laws. Oh, I didn't *do* anything wrong, or *say* anything objectionable, and I kept a smile on my face. But it's a struggle, as I simply do not fit in. Our family systems operate very differently; the personality types are quite opposite those that are in my family. And there's the inevitable tension, as conversations occur...things are said...moments happen.

Indeed, the holiday Season is over for another year. But its Spirit remains, and lives on within our hearts. And that is our focus, as we prepare for the coming Season of Lent leading up to Easter...when the Joy of Christmas is temporarily replaced with sorrow as we remember our sins which were paid for by the horrible death of Our Lord...on the Cross. Then our full Joy returns on Easter morning, when we celebrate His miraculous rising and the full atonement made for us by the shedding of His blood!

Time to lay out cozy winter blankets as the Christmas decorations are put away...except for the snowmen and the scented candles, which will keep the home warm and snuggly throughout the dark winter as it sets in. And the candles in the front window. Those stay awhile longer as well.

Wintery weather setting in!

Ahhh, finally, it will feel like December again, here in the land of Oz. Outside, the rain is pattering on the roof and soaking into the parched ground. Tomorrow, I envision a day near the fireplace, cozy and crackling flames warming the room around us. Staying in. (Except for the Walmart run I have to make. And exchanging kids with my sister-in-law--she has my daughter, I have her son!). Cranberry candle burning, its scent drifting through the kitchen; Bing Crosby crooning out the Christmas songs in the background.
Perhaps I shall attack my list of treats to make--fudge being a priority! One batch PB and a batch or two of chocolate. That may depend upon how my teething toddler is doing--today was less than "good" and I'm hoping tonight offers better sleep than last night did. It also may depend upon how my laundry goes--as of now, I have 2 loads going and 2 lined up waiting. Kind of takes precedence, even the week before Christmas.
My wrapping is done--3 gifts per child doesn't take too long. (Hey, if 3 is good enough for Jesus, then surely, it will suffice for our children too). And hopefully their sweet little faces will still light up as the wrapping is torn off, on Christmas Eve. Then there will be stockings Christmas morning, before we set off to my in-laws for festivities. I'm so excited that Christmas Eve falls on a Sunday this year; what a lovely way to begin the holiday--exactly where we should be, celebrating the birth of Our King.

JOY??

Here we are...the week of JOY! Hmmmmm. My Monday morning is starting off a little "less than joyful" except that, JOY does not depend on circumstances. And so from that perspective, I can still be full of JOY inside, although there is bits of chaos around me. My baby girl didn't sleep well at all, which is not entirely uncommon, but nonetheless, makes for difficult mornings. My daughter slept well, yet is still grumpy this morning--hmmmm, could this just be her "new" self? Seems to be happening all too frequently these days. Also makes for difficult mornings...as...she doesn't want to apply herself to school lessons. Sure we do fun stuff, and she loves science or social studies, but the 3 Rs, are crucial, and it is these she fights. And then there is my middle child--my dear little son. He is at odds today because his sister doesn't want to play with him. And this is understandable, as she is 3 years older--and playing "cars" is simply not an inviting option for a nearly-8-yr-old girl! And I sit here, hoping to write a peaceful blog...to speak of twinkling Christmas lights, or the scent of cranberry wafting through the air...Christmas music filling our home (soon!)...but this is simply not the atmosphere here. Yet.

So the hope of peace here, of lessons learned at schoolwork, of Christmasy atmosphere enveloping us...of a good nap for my baby...these things might inspire JOY within me. Even though they are not yet achieved. But truly, the JOY comes whether my hopes are fulfilled today or not. For there is JOY in having children about my feet--children who are healthy and largely, happy. There is JOY in owning enough clothes to have overflowing laundry...there is JOY in the anticipation of some light Christmas baking to be done today...there is JOY simply because, this is the Season of JOY, as we look forward to celebrating the birth of Christ.

Today, I will turn on the cheery music, light the candles, prudently work on laundry, patiently break up the quarrels, work on school with my daughter, and happily bake my recipes. And I will spread JOY throughout my home. (Even though I cannot go back to bed. Which I really want to do!)

And I will go now, and make tea...to start it all off. Perhaps my holiday blend--whole leaf black tea with citrus and cinnamon lacing it. And a dash of milk...poured into a favorite Christmas mug. The red one, with a candy-cane striped handle, and the jolly snowman smiling on its front.

Blessings! (And JOY).

I've officially decided that I do *not* like MYSPACE very well. It simply isn't "blog" friendly--although blogging is easy there--and while there are a few features I like, it is also difficult to "break in" to the community--unless you're under 30. I even joined a couple of groups--still--no one has stopped by my site. Which is fine, too; it means privacy for my blog. But writers enjoy writing partially, because, they will one day be "read". Anyway, keeping it for now...we'll see what transpires later on.

I have a xanga site, too. Not that it matters--no one is reading me here, either. A bit harder to find blogs to read in this blogspot; unless you "know" where you're looking. And I haven't figured out how to link to may favorite blogspot folks. Hmmmmmm.

I do like some features that blogger offers. So I believe I will keep this space for awhile. I'm still blogging all over the place, trying to see what works best for me. Or maybe they all will. :)

This is my 3rd year of homeschooling. And already, I wonder what I'm doing. I mean, I enjoy the planning, the gathering of resources, and even the "teaching". But it is so difficult, with 2 younger ones, not yet in school. My routine revolves more around my baby's teething and periodic household illnesses and my interruptive-almost-5 son, rather than around the schooling. I tell myself "it's OK"--and somewhere inside, I do believe it! For my reasons for homeschooling are less academic and more about character and spiritual training. And there's plenty of that going on around here these days!

And my daughter is lagging in math; it's not her strong subject. No, she is a reader though--and she loves it! And oh how creative she is as she builds lego structures and train tracks (for little brother) and as she colors and creates a world on paper...always with smiling people and a smiling sunshine! She is spiritually sensitive, always remembering to pray before dinnertime, to talk about Jesus and read her Bible. But back to math...as I teach new concepts, I can see that she isn't ready for them. And too much challenge shuts her down. She fights against handwriting--and it is, rather monotonous. "But also necessary" I tell her. And so we trudge on. A moment of lessons here, several minutes there, storytimes sprinkled throughout a "good" day. But on the bad days...I look back and wonder...did I "teach" anything? I know I taught obedience, we worked on speaking kindly and on patience...we talked about sharing with brothers and sisters...and after all, aren't these the reasons I homeschool?

Still, I am so weary of the daily fight; the struggle to "do" anything! The constant arguments (though brief) between siblings, and the unending laundry, and the meal times, just as I sit down for the first time...my hot tea turning cold before it gets drunk...the whining that inevitably follows my requests or commands. This is children...this is homeschooling. And it is hard--I read the blogs of older women who look back longingly at these years with young ones. For they miss their "babies" and the joys of elementary education! And I know I will too. But what I cling to is their wisdom, as they say "stay strong, this will pay off." And they know, because it has paid off for them already. But they remember these years of doubt and difficulty and distress, and so they remind us younger Mothers to keep going...to not fret the little dailies, the constant tending of our precious "fields", because it is over time that the harvest is reaped.

It is a relief to *feel* better. I can feel the weight lifting...I see a glimpse of sunlight at the end of the tunnel I've been in lately. The last few days (and weeks!) have been a struggle--as much as I love homeschooling my kids, it is also a strain. A responsibility. And when life gets overwhelming, it is difficult to keep up with. Sickness happens, busyness happens, holidays happen--and they all happen AT HOME. I cannot send my kids out of the home for school, while I attend to more pressing matters. No, rather, they must be with me, attending to the matters of "life" as we school. That is, actually, a benefit to homeschooling. But sometimes, it doesn't feel very beneficial! It is then that I must return to my philosophies and my priorities about schooling, and my reasons for schooling. And I believe it is vital to have these predetermined, for just such times as these!

In my particular case, I have a husband whose job takes him out of the home for 11-13 hours a day--not the typical 8-10 hours of a routine desk job. He doesn't get holiday weekends; in fact, he is only off Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. So we don't have those extra rest periods to look forward to. And this is the first year he has those two days off! He hasn't had paid vacation time in a couple of years. His job doesn't offer lunch hours or break times and he is on his feet for most of these hours--so he comes home exhausted. I don't mean to whine--but--it is the reality we live with, and sometimes it gets to be more than either of us can deal with very well. When I am exhausted as well, and at the end of my rope, it makes for an unhappy household!! As much as he'd like to help with schooling, it is pretty much an impossibility, so, there are periods of time that the pressure gets to me. All the housework, all the meal prep, all the child-training, and all the schooling. It's a lot. But I also realize there are some who have it worse yet, even than I do.

Sometimes, ya gotta step back. That's part of my weekly "Thankful" posts...a reminder, to myself, to step back and be grateful, even in the midst of turmoil. Additionally, it is good to remember that anything worth having, is likely going to be difficult to come by. In the case of child-training, the easy way out is rarely the best or "right" way. More likely, it is the tough road, the one less travelled which makes all the difference (I must agree with Robert Frost on this point!).

And so, homeschooling is worthwhile, but it is not easy--I cannot send my kids off to be educated. I will not "have my life back" when my last child hits kindergarten. I don't have any homeschooling friends currently...so it is sometimes difficult to watch as they all send their kids off to school...and fill their days with tasks completed in solitude. With errands that are run, unfettered by small children! With lunch dates, if they desire...hobby time...whatever! My days will be filled with training and education and overflowing laundry and a house in constant disarray. A house full of little ones does not schedule as easily as an empty house does! Nor does it stay as clean.

But I am determined to enjoy having my kids around me (not necessarily every day, but most days anyway). For one day, they will leave our nest to build their own...and I know that I will miss them then. For they are my constant companions!! And, I can protect my children from outside influence for 8 hours a day...I can choose what they will learn, and what they will not learn (well, to a point). I can instill a Biblical worldview and save the secular, humanist worldview for when they are old enough to handle it. My children don't know what a fashion statement is...they don't know what an X-box is...they don't know what movies are out...what music is "cool"....and for now, I am grateful for this! Additionally, I can learn patience as I teach it...I can learn humility as I teach it...I can learn much from my children as they learn from me. I can do all the Nature studies with them, the History with them; I can read wonderful books with them...yes, there are many benefits of homeschooling. If only I can remember them during the tough and trying times. Like now. So I remind myself.

And now I am ready to face another week.

A *big* holiday weekend is over for another year--not only do we celebrate Thanksgiving, but my side of the family also celebrates Christmas while my younger brother and family are in town...and when extended family can schedule in a visit. This relieves our Christmastime schedule, but makes for a busy, busy Thanksgiving weekend! And so, with that behind me, I am ready to decorate for Christmas, to pull out my snowman dinnerware, and look forward to Advent season and all that it brings--and to spend our days reflecting on the hope, the peace, the love, and the joy of the Christmas Season, as we remember the birth of Our Lord.

Tomorrow we will have our daughter (15 months) dedicated during our church service--or rather--we, as her parents, will dedicate ourselves to her. I am excited to have all of my family present for this time, and my husband's mother will join us as well. AND, my older brother was ordained this year, so he will perform the ceremony (brief as it will be), with our Pastor joining in for prayer with us. This is my brother's first baby dedication, so it's special to me, that we are able to have him do this with our child. I am so proud of him, and it is an honor to have him dedicate our baby--and us--before Our Lord. He will also be preaching for the first time!! Very cool! So, it will be a neat Sunday, and I'm thankful that our family will be around us, in support of us, and of him.

Here I am...

Well, I've done it...I'm here. And ready to blog. :) I opened a blog once before. And then I learned an important lesson in the blogging world--DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU KNOW. Why? Because you lose the ability to say what you want to say. You can be honest, but only to a point...you cannot mention names...you cannot be specific...you may not be able to be authentic in your writing, depending on who you shared your blog url with (like your family, your in-laws, your friends and *not* friends--guess how I know?). Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers. A sad reality. And now, my reality! Privacy! Because no one knows.

My name, "midnight mom" was derived from the fact that I am generally online late at night--and other times as well--but, it is nighttime once my house is finally quiet. I have 3 children; ages (almost) 8 and (almost) 5, and 15 months. Girl, boy, girl. Nighttime is my solitude...and then there is sleep. Which is what I should be doing right now. But instead, I am opening a new blog. Because I prefer solitude to sleep.

And in that solitude, I feel an odd need to connect...to a world of strangers? To the masses online? To anyone and yet, to no one in particular...to simply be known, and yet, not really. More accurately, then, to have my heart be known, but not my face. Yes, that's it. There's a world full of us--nameless, faceless, miles and miles away--and yet--known by our hearts. By our written words. By our blogs.