All in a Day of Teaching

Some days, it is the teacher who learns more than the student. Today, we (my daughter and I) began to work on Math again—after probably too much of a break from it (can you say ‘retention loss’?). In only a few minutes, my bright daughter was frustrated to the point of tears, as was her teacher (me). It’s not so much that she can’t remember her addition facts, it is more that she’s not trying to—even with prompting such as “count by 5s, honey!”. She is discouraged before we really even start! Quietly concerned, I sat down with my Ray’s Arithmetic books, and most importantly, the Teacher Guide to the series (written by well-respected Dr Ruth Beechick). I realized that I had not done enough review with my daughter, as we were learning—at least not as much as she needed to learn her facts more concretely. She had done well with visualization and so I had moved on…but…after a summer break, it is apparent that we will need to do a LOT of review before moving forward. And that’s okay…I’m still learning too. Math is not her strong subject and memorization is not her strength either. She simply excels in other areas. And, adding to the challenge, she hates worksheets and drill work! But gentle drill we must do; review, review, review. I’m not concerned; she will catch up when she’s ready, as long as we are diligently working at it.

Back to her tears…several minutes later she is expressing a ridiculous amount of frustration over problems that are not difficult, but do require effort. She is allowed to use manipulatives to figure her work, so there really shouldn’t be ANY frustration. Furthermore, there is still an inordinate amount of tears. “Maybe she’s tired,” I think. But this goes deeper than the words “settle down!” Gathering my patience and a much kinder voice, I follow her to her room where she has retreated to do her work in quiet. Asking a couple questions about her frustration yields large teardrops falling to her page of problems. I’m so glad I took time to stop and listen to my little girl. I quickly hear that her voice holds more hurt than anger. She calls herself ‘stupid’ and ‘bad at math’—well, she is bright (as are all children, in their own ways!) and barely starting 3rd grade is far too early to be considered ‘bad’ at any subject, much less math! I tell her this gently and we talk some more….

My little one puts on a strong front, and can be quite the “know-it-all” (dare I guess where she gets it?), but deep inside she has the same streak of sensitivity I have. It’s the kind that never lets on when something hurts us; we probably don’t even cry, maybe not for weeks and weeks. Until one day, something punches that hidden bubble, and it bursts. Turns out, while taking a roadtrip last Spring, with one of her playmates, they had played an oral math game. Very soon into the game, my daughter couldn’t answer the problems anymore. She was told firmly by her peer, that she wasn’t very good at math at all. Maybe a couple of other demeaning statements; not really so cruelly intended at all—just a kid saying what kids say. Well, this situation was never shared with us, her parents, in typical half-kid/half-preteen fashion. She is just beginning those years of maturing, at the young age of 8. So, anyway…the story comes out, through tears. Those thoughtless but very typical kid-to-kid remarks cut my little one deeply, adding to an insecurity she already had, just because math frustrates her and she knows she doesn’t “get it” easily. Unfortunately, these types of kid statements are made, not infrequently, by this friend, so we are careful with the time my daughter spends with her (and we continue to work with our girl on learning to have self-confidence no matter what others say, and on placing importance in what God thinks, not what others think, etc. She will toughen up as she grows, but I want the toughening to be healthy confidence, and not just a brick wall around her heart!) My young one goes on to say that the remarks hurt her, and so she quit telling others that math wasn’t her thing; she made sure to keep it a secret from everyone else. My Mother’s heart nearly broke…I wish I had probed more about her hatred of math a few months ago, and learned then, what I learned today. Her resistance to math work, is what led me to choose to take a break from it, and has also led to frustration on my part as well, when it became a discipline issue. I had no idea there was a deeper “heart” issue at stake.

I lied down on her bed, and had her come snuggle with me as we talked more about it, and talked about strengths and weaknesses, our feelings, developing confidence in ourselves and most importantly in who we are in God, etc. Several minutes later, she seemed better, and was able to calmly sit and finish her work. Using her manipulatives, but with no more tears, no more frustration, and the gentle reassurance from her Mom that she desperately needs, but which I have been too lax at offering (much to my own shame). She is now having a remarkably good day, and playing happily—although—I’m not sure how much more “school” will be completed. I think we may have both learned enough for today!

Times like this, I am so glad she is at home with me, to learn. Although I learned some lessons today myself—I surely did!—I also was able to love her as her Mother, and offer unqualified acceptance to her broken little heart. I was able to see past defiance and frustration and (finally) discover the heart issue at stake with this subject called “math”. I wish I had slowed down and taken more time weeks ago; displayed more patience and softness to my little girl. It is so easy to think of her as ‘half-grown’ because she is my oldest. But she is far from grown, and is still quite young and in need of help, more often than she likes to admit. I must learn to be sensitive to this; of course, children come to us in their own time, and there’s no guarantee that she would have shared her troubles back when it happened. But I hadn’t given her enough opportunity either. Children need to feel safe and loved and protected before they will open up; another lesson to remember!

My patience and diligence—as both her Mother and her Teacher—are crucial now, especially in math. We have much review to do, but she is young and we have plenty of time. There is no need to worry if she is keeping up with her peers; as long as we keep moving forward, she will catch up. One reason to homeschool, is for the sake of individuality—for the purpose of *not* forcing my children to fit into the “one-speed-fits-all” box that prevails in typical school systems. I will develop a plan which will mix the use of worksheets (I can custom-print my own), the use of colorful ‘review’ type workbooks (already own, thanks to sister-in-law cleaning out her bookshelves!), the use of oral work and flashcard games, and, my daughter’s favorite—computer games (free on internet)! I will be using a similar mix of activities to work with my son on the alphabet and phonics. And maybe, for his math as well. (Which explains our interest in setting up an older computer with the new parts necessary to have our kids use it for educational purposes). I believe, with our combined efforts (of both myself and my daughter), we can conquer her math fears and hopefully, build a general sense of confidence in her heart as well, as we review and learn.