Why so anxious?

I love Christmastime.  I love the season of Advent.  I wait 11 months each year, for it to begin again.  And then I try to slow down and treasure each moment.  Sure, some days are busier than I prefer...there's a bit of stress involved with fitting everyone and everything in, and we work at prioritizing our calendar AND the celebrating!  We have simplified so that gift giving is fun and a joy, rather than an expensive chore.  And when I unplug the Christmas tree lights on the 25th, I still look forward to waking up and seeing them again on the 26th.  After all, Advent does not end, officially, until January 6; Epiphany.  The day we commemorate the wise men finding Jesus, after a long search.

Imagine my surprise then, in reading Facebook updates, one after another, detailing how Christmas trees are packed away Christmas night...or, the 26th!  And how thrilled person after person is...to "set the house back in order".  To put Christmas away.  And to be fair, I understand that a Christmas tree takes up space.  I know the extra decorations can be clutter.  And honestly, I used to be one of those people; proud to be done with Christmas the moment the gifts were unwrapped.  But over the years, my heart has changed.  I am charged with providing the atmosphere of Christmas in our home; I do the planning, the buying, the wrapping, the baking, the cards, the decorating...and I love it!  The traditions we choose will become memories for our family, our children.  They will remember what we do!  Our Christmas, year after year, will be what they recall one day...what we do will be what Christmas "is" to them.

The JOY, the LIGHT, the FUN of Christmas...is so often represented, so often captured, in these decorations; both traditional ones, like the tree and Nativity, but also the extras placed here and there around our homes.  And then the outdoor lights sparkling on dark and cold winter nights.  I am indeed, surprised, that so many of us are so anxious to put Christmas away.  Can't we let it live a few extra days?  For actually, Christmas BEGINS on the 25th!  It does not end there!  The anticipatory joy of a newly born baby does not end on the day it is welcomed into the world!  The pregnancy ends, the waiting is complete...but the JOY of that birth begins the day a baby takes its first breath.  Likewise, Christmas begins the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ!  So at our home, we let the lights shine a bit longer...we revel in the Christmas joy as long as possible and reflect upon all that this Advent season means.  For truly, the heart of Christmas, the heart of our Christ, should last year round; it is not something to be hurried through, packed away, and cleaned up.  I want to yell "slow down!!" to the world around me.

This year, I did not put up two Christmas trees; I felt the need to pare down what went up so that I could more easily handle taking it all down when time allows.  We have a tall, thin tree that is potted, and designed so that it can be left up through winter months.  Or year round, really.  And so, I decorated this tree, with felt ornaments and other bits and pieces that are non-breakable as I have little ones who constantly touch and rearrange the ornaments on it.  As I was perusing the after-Christmas markdowns at Target, I noted red and white felt hearts in the ornament section...and plenty of snowmen and snowflakes.  I picked up some silver glittered snowflakes, and these red hearts and white hearts...and now my Christmas tree looks like Valentine's Day!  All at a markdown.  I hope to grab some pink hearts later, as Valentine sales commence.  I took down Christmas garland, but left up greenery which was decorated with snowmen and/or pinecones.  My decorations are trending towards winter season, with a bit of Christmas thrown in.  This allows us to hold on to Christmas magic just a bit longer in our home.  To enjoy the lovely twinkling lights awhile, without feeling that we need to pack away "Christmas".

With every passing year,  I am aware of how quickly time flies.  My babies grow fast, becoming kids, then teenagers.  This time with them is precious; our family whole and unscattered.  I do not want to wish it away, to be done with this glorious season.  The day will come, that my children might not all gather at Christmas; they may come at different times, or God may lead them across the country so that visits are rare.  I want to take in these days in which we are all, blessedly (and sometimes loudly!) together. I want to take time to embrace the season, the heart change...to prepare for the pain of Lent and the coming joy of Easter season; to walk the Liturgical year step by step as Jesus walked the earth step by step.  Moment by moment, each, in its God-ordained time.  We cannot--or should not--rush through life, eager to pass each stage and pack away each holiday!  Savor time!  Relish moments.  Live purposefully.

Mornings

photo credit
Ohhh, the joys of having early risers.  Actually, it isn't as difficult as it used to be.  My older children are now able to get their own cereal, and will typically help the younger ones as well--if I'm not up--although most of the time, I am.  And the baby (18 months) has joined in the fun of rising early.  This morning, he was up at 6:30.  So, I poured the coffee early, thus starting my caffeine drip.

But there were moments to savor today.  My little man was able to wave goodbye as Daddy left for work.  Of course, he followed Daddy to the car, calling out "Ri!  Ri!" (Ride).  When he wasn't buckled into his car seat, the little guy switched to waving just as fast as his little arm would let him.  Then he strolled all over the front yard until we retreated to the back (fenced) yard.  The air was pleasant; not yet hot and humid, and with a gentle breeze whispering that Autumn is on the way.  You know when there's just the slightest hint of cool?  It's as though the air has shed summertime, just as trees are preparing to shed leaves and squirrels busily work all day, gathering acorns.  (We have a beautiful, tall oak tree so we enjoy watching their antics).  Anyway, in the back yard we played, enjoying the outdoors. First, he wanted to ride the tricycle (which means Mama pushes him along), then he wanted to swing (a big smile on his toddler face)...and then he saw the bottles of bubbles.  "Bubba!  Bubba!" he called out as he reached for one.  So we blew bubbles.  And blew bubbles.  He gleefully tried to catch them, especially pleased when a bubble landed and didn't pop.  Until, of course, he popped it himself.

And then, one by one, big brother and sisters each appeared to join in a few minutes of play before the sun heats up the air to an unbearable degree (107 is today's September 2 forecast...UGH).  The little girls were still clad in their sweet nightgowns, but this didn't stop them from joyfully swinging...nor from marching around the yard...nor from collecting acorns and acorn tops for their fairy house (a make-believe creation that encourages them to look for bits and pieces of nature, to add to the fairy house at the base of our oak tree).  Meanwhile I escape indoors to refill my coffee, pull out the first load of laundry for today, and wash/refill the bubbles bottles for next time.

And then, at last, the sun is high enough to erase the pleasure of outdoors, and so, inside they tromp.  Time to wash hands, eat breakfast, and begin lessons.  Another reason to love homeschooling.  Rather than waking my children, rushing here and there to get them dressed, fed, and out the door "on time"...we are able to wake naturally (remember, they are early risers on their own, so no one really sleeps in), to greet the mornings slowly and with joy.  If we are blessed with beautiful weather, we can take pleasure in God's creation before we begin routine.  If clouds and rain greet us, we can soak in the cozy atmosphere instead of running out the door and into the rain and away to school.  Our days hold order, but they are also our own.  We create the routine which works for our family; we structure our days to allow for childhood to emerge, to allow for learning to take place on its own (although there are still complaints over assignments that one child or another does not *like* to do!).  We order our time most days, rather than being ordered around by someone else's schedule, convenience, what-have-you.  There will be plenty of time to march to the beat of someone else's drum when my children grow up and gain responsibilities of jobs, higher education, families.  But why rush it? Childhood calls!  Nature; God's creation, waves to us daily.  Time is fleeting, and children are only children for a short time, but memories last forever.  I'm thankful that I can create daily memories with my most treasured ones.

To be fair, some days wax much less poetic.  Some nights with a baby allow little rest, and some days every one wakes up grumpy...on those days, it might be tempting to rush them out the door in order that they may be someone else's problem for a few hours.  But we charge through, correcting attitudes as necessary (including my own!), and we pray for patience and grace, and we know that the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  That is the everlasting hope we have while on this earth.

Time for the last of my coffee. Time to switch the laundry.  Time for lessons, for the day's work, to begin.

Ohhh, the joys...

...of taking a shower without interruption, without knocking on the bathroom door, or yelling outside of the door!    Today, I stayed home with our youngest (1) while my husband and other children headed to church.  He has been sleeping poorly, due to a huge molar breaking through--and--a plethora of mosquito bites disturbing his naps and night times.  He is highly allergic to mosquitoes, it appears, and so his bites swell up into huge welts of itchy irritation, and they take several days to heal up.  And he must have sweet blood, because if he is outdoors for any time at all, he comes back in with numerous bites.  But I am not a huge fan of spraying tons of chemical on little ones...so...we deal.  And today, that meant he would need an early nap (grumpy bear that he is this morning!) so Mama stayed home.

But, that means a quiet house...a moment to blog...time to clean up a few piles of this-n-that, watch a couple of Food Network recordings...or whatever!  Time to reflect, to pray, to read my Bible...to adjust my poor attitude, to frame positive thinking for the week ahead, to be grateful for the many everyday blessings of life.

I hate missing church, but when it happens, I enjoy the quiet.  And a shower without interruption :)

Back to School

We just picked up our first apples of the season!  Walmart had some lovely "Pink Lady" variety on sale tonight, and they are goooood.  Happy kids at this house tonight!  After a very tasty ham and bean soup, homemade cornbread, followed by a kid fave "sopapilla cheesecake" for dessert,  apples made the perfect bedtime snack.

I love this time of year...back-to-school season.  I love going to the parks, the zoo, the library, or anywhere else, and finding all these places suddenly void of activity.  Because everyone is in school, and in a whirlwind of activities...for the next NINE months!!  But for us homeschoolers, the world is our oyster!  No lines, no waiting, no crowds, and plenty of TIME.  The way Summer opens up the world for everyone else, Autumn opens up the world for us.

We school year round because learning is part of life, not an activity allocated for 7 hours 5 days a week, for 9 months. And because keeping our routine somewhat in sync, keeps our household running smoothly.  And because I like greater flexibility for all kinds of reasons. Still, this time of year brings unmistakable energy to the air.  Mornings are cooler again (or soon will be!); and evenings often carry the slightest chill in the air.  A hint of what's ahead.  Tthe city suddenly rejoins us in having a routine!  And back-to-school sales abound; freshly sharpened pencils, brand new crayons, sticks of glue, notebooks, packs of paper, zipper bags in every color, and miscellaneous supplies of every kind are on the front aisles of stores.  New clothing appears on store racks (although it's not quite time for long sleeves in Kansas!), and autumnal decor appears on store shelves. And for us homeschoolers, new books appear on our own shelves!

Another reason to love this time of year...the scenery will soon be breathtakingly beautiful as the trees turn rich shades of brown, gold, red, and orange. A simple Sunday drive will offer loveliness, just around every bend in the road.  A walk to the park, or just stepping outside the back door will bring a moment to savor God's creation, unfolding it's glorious color!  And I love the rainy days of Fall, overcast, chilly. Good weather for snuggling in flannel sheets, for lighting candles in the evenings, for daydreaming under a quilt, for family movies complete with popcorn and warm spiced cider.

Of course, it's football season!  And that makes my man happy!  This year, his (and therefore mine by marriage) favorite college team (GO BIG RED--HUSKERS!) is playing in a new conference.  Big 10, baby!

Then there's the food...cozy suppers; often soups or stews, simmering all afternoon.  Fresh bread baking.  Sweet potatoes. Cookies, still warm from the oven.  Apple crisp, topped with vanilla ice cream...pumpkin cake.  Sunday roast, and eventually, Thanksgiving turkey.  Christmas ham. And endless holiday baking!  Cooking (and baking!) is simply more fun in cold weather :)

Decadence

I wish I'd taken a picture of today's dessert. Just for this post. But I didn't...sorry. I was busy eating it. It sounds very decadent, but I can justify almost any food...

Vanilla-Banana Ice cream sundae with peanut butter, caramel, and chocolate. Ohhhhhh, yeah. Ready for the justification? In other words, the health value?

Here goes:

3 small scoops vanilla ice cream (counts as a dairy serving, right? OK, that might be a stretch! But what if it's Breyer's all-natural vanilla? Still no? Fine, be stingy.)

Cut up a banana on top of the ice cream (now that IS a full serving of fruit)

Melt about 2-3 tablespoons of peanut butter and pour this over the ice cream and bananas (now, I am a fan of "Peter Pan" brand, but if you're stingy, use an all-natural brand...either way, it still counts as a protein)

THEN, for the decadent part, drizzle a spoon full or two of caramel topping over the whole thing (no justification here, this is the decadent part, remember?)

And finally, for the heart-healthy topper...if you don't believe me, google "benefits of eating dark chocolate" and happy reading. You'll thank me. Anyway, chop up a square of quality dark chocolate and dump that on top of all that yumminess in your bowl. You could even have 2 squares, but I found one to be enough this time around. Of course, I ate the other square straight. I forgot to mention that.

So, there you have it. Now go make your own and enjoy every bite, GUILT FREE! Heck, you could even make mini-sundaes for the kids without worrying too much about it. And boy would they love you. No, I didn't do that for my kids. I love them all, but with under-5 crowd (and the over-5 boy) would have that messiness ALL over themselves. I'll save the idea for when they've grown up a bit. Or wait for swimsuit weather and then I can hose 'em all off outdoors.

Our little Noah

****warning; while not graphic, this post includes birthing details and the word "cervix" !****

Today I am mesmerized by this little creature...he is a precious 4 weeks now, and a whopping 10 pounds! Those adorable little rolls on his tiny arms and legs, those chubby cheeks and the kissable neck roll. I feel so humbled, and so blessed to have this little one in my life...and I'm thankful that my husband and I didn't stop with 4 children...for if we had, we would never have met this little angel.

Presently, he has contracted the nasty virus our other children shared, so we are praying for his continued health and wellness. He just returned home from his first hospital stay, in fact. 24 hours, several deep suctioning treatments, and a diagnosis of RSV. But thankfully, no fever, nursing stable, good urine output, no oxygen assistance, and good vitals the entire time! Praise God for that! And praise God that his older siblings are all healing from the virus too, with minimal complications.

So 4 weeks ago, it was a mild Thursday morning. The sun was shining, the air chilly, as it often is just before Spring officially arrives. We loaded our minivan with the birthing-kit-in-a-box, my suitcase with after-birth clothing and the baby's things, and an infant car seat. We were full of anticipation, knowing that this day would likely bring a precious new life into our family. My weekly midwife appointment indicated labor was imminent, and at my request, my midwife would place prostoglandin gel on my cervix to kickstart things. On this morning, I was dilated to a solid 4, and my cervix was still thick, but very soft. This only works if a body is "ready" to go anyway, and is helpful for the parents-to-be in getting childcare lined out and avoiding sudden labor in the middle of the night! :) With our 4th child, we used this method of a "natural kickstart" and had her in our arms about 4 hours later!!

Just as it should, labor kicked in...whew! The contractions weren't terribly painful but they were strong and demanded I take notice. It was recommended we go for a walk, just to really push things into gear...so we did. And sure enough, the contractions strengthened! I was getting pretty excited with our progress and hopeful to have a precious little one delivered around lunchtime. I walked a bit more, pushing myself. We returned to the house so I could rest a few minutes as we geared up for the next level. And then an odd thing happened....my labor stopped. Just stopped. I started to pace the floor, and it eventually picked back up a bit. I did some squatting and I could really feel that! OUCH! Good, progress. Right?

Before long, it was time to fill the birthing tub, and, I got in. The relief was unbelievable! Sinking into the warm water, feeling my muscles relax one by one. Water brings such a soothing effect to laboring Moms; and it offers strength along with a sense of peace. At some point, I also had a popsicle...I don't remember if it was in the tub or not...but I love popsicles during labor. Another *must have* for me! Much to my dismay, despite continuing to squat a bit in the tub, my labor halted once again. I was at least 5 cm dilated...labor shouldn't be stopping!! This was my 5th baby; he should be practically falling out of there! The last thing I wanted to do was get out of the tub, but that is what I had to do...and then, I got dressed, and we went walking again. In no time at all, my contractions were so strong I had to bend over, and we returned to the house, as I feared having this baby in the street!

And then labor stopped. Again. One of my midwives suggested a massage with arnica oil; she found all those painful knots in my uterine muscles, and a few on my back too. It was a wonderful blessing and brought me relief...she was also hopeful that rubbing out some twists in my uterine muscles might help move things along. Indeed, I would have strong contractions for awhile, then they would stop. If I sat down, everything stopped. My water has had to be broken with all of my deliveries, usually taking two tries (strong sack??!!)...so my midwives decided to try this, but the sack didn't bulge during contractions, and the baby's head would float back up after a contraction, so we were not able to break it without presenting too much risk to our little one.

This was a new experience to me; labor #5 shouldn't start and stop; my body was ready. I could feel all the "signs". Some contractions were incredibly painful and took my breath away. Although it hadn't happened in previous labors, pain would shoot down my legs with contractions. I couldn't understand why the baby's head wasn't lodging into position and why labor kept stalling. Eventually, I made it to a good 6 cm dilated, and there was no turning back...but baby wasn't coming either.

I was pretty exhausted from constant walking or pacing. Lunchtime had come and gone, with no baby. I didn't eat, because I didn't want to get sick during labor. But by mid-afternoon, I was starving and wiped out. I wondered what was going on! I had planned to be napping with a newborn at this time!! My children were home with Grandma and Papa, anxious for news...I had told them we might be home by suppertime. (Mistake; do not promise a timeline when waiting for a baby to arrive!) And now, clearly, that wouldn't be the case. Discouragement set in, and, on top of hunger and exhaustion, I just wanted to go home and go to bed. But we all knew that being dilated to 6 meant the baby could come any time, if the contractions started back up. I didn't want him to be born in the car--nor did I want to drop off to sleep and wake up to hard labor!

I ate, and we tried some different positions and strong contractions would ensue, bringing tears to my eyes. But they would stop. I paced and paced the floors some more. My midwives decided to try breaking my water again; there was nothing left to try, and I was afraid to go home. We didn't have overnight childcare, and night was on the way. This time, the baby's head lodged enough to get a bulge in the bag...my midwife was able to break my water! I thought "praise God, this baby will be coming soon!" But then those strong contractions hit. And I wondered what I was thinking, in wanting to go through labor again!!

Back into the tub I went, this time, confident that all would go well. Sure enough, the contractions didn't stop, but the warm water didn't help too much...they were incredibly painful, and the pain shot down my legs. I knew it must be getting close, and I kept wondering why my midwives weren't telling me to push. I could feel the intense pain...my mind kept telling me it was "time". I remember asking what was happening; my one midwife quietly spoke phrases from the Bible to me, about strength, and asking God for help. The other encouraged me to focus on pushing with the pain. At this point, I was too exhausted to do much! I wanted to, but I had little strength left, after a long day of off-and-on labor and tons of pacing!

Once again, the last thing I wanted to do was get out of the tub, but I had to. I didn't understand why this baby wasn't coming!! We needed to try another position and I honestly didn't feel I could do it on my own. Within a few minutes, I was on the birthing "table" (set in a semi reclined position, so my head was raised). Searing pain tore through me with each contraction, and I remember yelling pretty loudly...everyone was telling me to push, to keep going, and I'm pretty sure I yelled back that I couldn't do it anymore. I was crying and yelling with each contraction, and my midwife said the head was here! Relief in a couple more pushes...or not. I had my husband on one side, and one of my midwives on the other, and for a moment there was silence in between contractions...my midwife said she needed me to focus, and for a split second, I could. She said they'd need to try manipulation...and I asked what she meant. It all became clear then; this little guy was FACE UP instead of face down. I realized they were going to try to turn him...I was out of strength, but I nodded anyway. One midwife held my leg--I wanted to, but I felt paralyzed--the other midwife reached in there, turned him, and he practically fell out. I don't even think I had to push again. I remember such huge, instant relief--having the baby out is always a relief, but this time, it was immense! Suddenly, almost before I realized what had happened (that he had come!), he was on my chest and I was holding this beautiful little boy covered in vernix (which would make amazing hand cream, if someone could bottle it up!) He was protesting rather loudly, but with the sweetest newborn cry.

The moment was captured on camera; the relief mixed with delight on my face as I smiled at him...his tiny body, fresh from the womb, his lungs breathing air for the first time. He was certainly the most beautiful sight (well, besides my other 4 babies!!)...I felt nothing buy joy; for several minutes, there was absolutely no pain (my reward for losing out on the waterbirth??). Just sheer joy in the birth of this amazing little creature.

Eventually, all of the "post birth" was finished up, I was cleaned up, and robed, and holding my clean, fresh little one, swaddled tightly and topped with one of those stretchy newborn caps, in blue. Ohhhh, those moments of meeting him. Seeing the little feet that had been kicking me, smelling his sweetness, and nuzzling his tiny head. It had been a long, hard day...a confusing labor experience, but it sure ended beautifully. Later we realized how blessed we truly were...some of the "sunny-side-up" babies end up in emergency C-section...others include back labor (my labor was intensely painful, but the pain shot down my legs instead of radiating through my lower back)...sometimes the babies are in distress, but Noah never was. We praise God for this, for His hand of protection over my and our baby...and for the wisdom God gave my midwives throughout the day. Although I had desired another water birth, I was thankful my midwife had me get out; they wouldn't have been able to check and see the baby's position otherwise...she jokingly said, later on, that if I hadn't left the tub, I'd still be in there!! It was a rough labor, and I'd expected an easier time for #5 (isn't that the way it *should* work??)...but now my son has his own unique birth story.

Although I haven't mentioned his part in all of this, my husband was there every step of the way! He walked with me, held my hand, jumped up to bring me water or popsicles, to help me in and out of the tub...whatever I needed. He offered constant support and encouragement and kept me company. He supplied food when it was time :) His voice was in my ears cheering me on, especially when it was really, truly "time"...I remember him saying (loudly, to be heard over my own screaming) that "his head is here! C'mon, you can do this, you've done it 4 times before..." I wouldn't want to give birth without this man at my side. He was the one-man camera crew too; and while I was well-cared for after the birth, he took advantage of the time my midwives spent helping me with the after-birth unpleasantness, and as a result, we have some great "first moments" shots--and--my son's arrival was announced on Facebook within seconds!

Likewise, my midwife Kathy, has delivered my 3rd and 4th babies, and she is wonderful! It is so reassuring to have her at my births. She had to take on the role of assistant midwife this time, to let the other midwife be "primary attending"...as a result, she was at my side, holding one of my hands. What a blessing! This time, I had a 2nd midwife with me, as she is working on obtaining her license. She is the dear lady who actually delivered my 5th child, and the brave soul who "reached in there and turned him!" She also offered the arnica oil massage, a beautiful gift she tries to present to each of her mothers.

The Bible says that Mary "pondered these things in her heart"...as with each of my birth memories, I ponder these things in my own heart. I try and recall the little details, I relive the birth moments in my mind...these memories are so precious; the moments of meeting our little babies, the moments of joy as they are born. A joy that literally erases the pain of labor, in an instant (usually!).

Noah Andrew was born March 4, 2010 at around 6pm. He weighed in a 7 pounds and 15 ounces, although he is now up to 10 pounds!!

Bits and Pieces of today

It's been months and months since I've written here...time slips by quickly with 4 children underfoot and homeschooling and all the things necessary to keep our home running smoothly. "Smoothly" is relative. :) And so now, we are anxiously awaiting the birth of baby #5. I've reached that point where I am ready and willing to go through labor to get this baby out!! (And that's with natural childbirth, as our babies are born at home).

For today, however, I am thankful for the blessing of a new (gently used and stored awhile) sofa which is in such better shape than our old one. 4 jumping children and lots of daily use certainly took the spring out of our old one. This one is firm but comfortable and slightly smaller (good for limited space!) and in such great condition. I'd prayed on occasion, for God to somehow provide a new-to-us sofa as I noticed the wearing down of our old one. We watched a nearby Salvation Army store, to no avail. I'm so grateful now, that my prayers were answered. Our furniture works in a "cozy" setting, but is certainly not a matched set; all good seating though, very functional, and coordinated, thanks to the use of blankets here and there!

On another grateful note, we found a gas stove (small, but with great BTU's) that is decorative and perfect for an upstairs living area. On clearance! My Dad has a good eye. Anyway, we just had it installed yesterday (a new gas line run) and it was so lovely to wake up and make tea and sit there, near the flames and warmth. This particular room has a wonderful bank of windows, but the draftiness is terrible. Not anymore! Yippeee! I had hoped we could have the stove installed before our baby comes, so I can enjoy a few cozy mornings with him...maybe some chilly Spring evenings too, in front of the low flames.

Thank you God, for these small blessings of yesterday.

My "pre-baby-to-do-list" has been mostly whittled away. Bit by bit, day by day. We are ready. Oh, sure, it will be great if we can get the floors mopped again...and I do need to finish his little quilt. But the must-be-done items are crossed off now. Any other projects can be done in small spurts as I have the time and energy. Sorely lacking the latter, here, in these last days of pregnancy.